I feel old, Ancient Even...

When your life has been lived on the Edge.

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Transcript

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I feel old. Ancient even. Feel old as fuck actually. So interesting. The hermit archetype is where I've been living most of my life. Ended up being a serious ass child and that's what happens when trauma entered your life damn near pre-verbal, right? It's like when you walk into the world from the womb with wounds, it's a little bit more difficult to play. It's a little bit more difficult to find joy. Not impossible is actually necessary to rebalance your scale to reconsecrate yourself through intentional moments of joy and silliness and goofiness and But my default is serious as fuck. They used to call me Mama Lindo. Back in the day, it would be funny. I'd be walking with my friends down the street and they asked me if those are my fucking kids. I'm like, I'm a teenager. How the hell? I know I don't look old now. Like I know I don't look that goddamn old. So let's be serious. But I've always felt old, ancient. And I hesitate to use words like shaman and, you know, the mystic or the crone, all that type of stuff. Because for me, it's as if I'm giving myself a title and that doesn't sit right with me. What I can say is that I felt separate from, I felt other since I was a kid. I remember sitting on my porch and I wanted to be a part of, but not involved in. And an example of that would be, I would be sitting on my porch playing with my Barbie dolls because I used to live on a block with a lot of kids everybody ripping and running and I could see right I could observe what the other kids were doing but I seldom got involved with their shenanigans right but I enjoyed being able to witness I enjoyed being able to see even though I didn't feel included and not because they excluded me I just didn't feel like I belonged I just didn't resonate with a lot of the things they were doing but I did enjoy watching them do their thing and I felt like this all my fucking life and obviously I'm about to get emotional I never know when that shit's gonna pop up it's a lonely fucking experience jeez it's like People see you as this mystical figure or some shit. It's like they bypass your humanness because it's almost as if they can feel the resonance of your otherness. And that doesn't mean special. That doesn't mean better than, above, or anything else. It's just different. And I feel like people have picked up this energy signature from me all my life. And it almost, I keep saying almost, because I guess I hesitate to own it. It has looked like people bypassing my humanness, even my fucking parents. Even my parents. I've always been seen as older than, wiser than, capable than, stronger than I was as a child. Why am I left alone? Why am I bearing the burden of grown folks' grief? And emotional instability. Why is that my motherfucking job and responsibility? And what's interesting is that this still happens. It just happened just now. I shared how I was unraveling. And the response was, that's deep. And then they continued. to discuss their own experience as if yeah that's your shit over there like I don't even have a capacity to hold that shit you're going through because that's a lot that's some other type of stuff and I don't share this to shame or blame or anything else to other person I use it as an example and they're not the only one numerous friends like almost I keep saying almost that's so interesting how I don't want to own the totality of my experience but every friend I I'm trying to make sure that's honest. I don't know. I don't want to say every friend because that might not be true. The majority of my friends... When they call me or even when I call them, the initial thing is to unload. And even they are like, well, damn, I didn't even call you for that. I didn't call to unload. I called to find out about how you were doing. It goes almost without seeing. Oh, my God. What is that about? I'm going to have to analyze this almost thing. It's interesting to me. Because my response is always, it's all good. I got you. That's what I'm good at. I'm good at being the listener. That was a nickname back in the day, the D-A-H listener. And I laugh and it's lonely. And it is lonely to have this energy signature. You know, people talk about like chosen and all that shit. Like, I don't claim that by any means. But my guess is that being chosen isn't fucking fun. It's not what it's cracked up to be. It may be an honor, I guess. That doesn't mean that shit is easy by any means at all. And I'm feeling like the hermit on this goddamn mountaintop with a goddamn lamp trying to illuminate myself, trying to figure myself out. Without... A mentor without a fucking guide. And I've asked for them. I've searched for them. And my response is like, you got it. The response has been, you got it. It's in you, right? All your answers you seek are within. It's like, all right, but what are them bitches buried under generations of trauma and bullshit? What happens then? So now I got to excavate. Now I got to get to digging to figure out what is this really? It is so heavy a lot of the times to feel othered, to feel old. I said before on a Facebook post that I feel old. like the skin that a snake has shed. I feel like I am that old skin and I am also the snake that is producing new skin. I am the shed and I am the shedding. And that's so odd to exist in multiple dimensions, multiple timelines. to feel old and separate and shamanic while also having to take care of three kids, bills and groceries and all this other mundane shit. It's like, how is this supposed to work for real? What is the goal here? Why am I here? All those existential-ass questions. What is really going on here? I don't have the answers. What I do know is that I feel compelled to just talk it out because what I've been doing before feeling led to just start these transmissions that's what I'm calling them is I would just go write it out right and again I know people feel some type of way with Chatty G but that's why I would just kind of go share it there and they might use the powers that may be might use all that shit against me because I didn't share anything that I wouldn't share here right I didn't share anything that if it gets out that I would be devastated it is what it is you know I'm a pretty open book I'm actually like the most closed open book I know because you got to know the right questions to get the answers. I'm an open book with blank pages or it looks like they're blank until you have the right tools in order to illuminate the messages, right? That's how I feel. I feel like an open book that only certain people can read, right? But anyway, I've decided to share whatever comes through here. And if it's for nothing else, it'll be my own living library, my own archive, my own transmissions, and it helps me. I've learned that when I speak out loud, I used to do this on Facebook Live, sometimes on Instagram Live, I would have these revelations in real time, just speaking what comes through. So this is another avenue for that because the other places no longer feel like home. Posted the other day on Facebook that this used to be where I would come and share my new awarenesses, but it no longer feels like home. I would come with the new revelations and they just stank and staggered. They festered on the timeline with no reverence. I'm like, all right, well, this ain't it no more, right? I'm not in alignment. We're not vibing. So let me find somewhere else to go. Let me take my shit. Let me take my ball and find a new playground. So I'm guessing this is it. But this all began because I feel so removed and so detached from a lot of things. And my whole life has been feeling untethered. In the last several years, I've been really attempting to become grounded, to get rooted in my body, to exist in right now reality. Because it's necessary. I can't live on the mountain all the time. I can't live in my head all the time. At some point, I need to learn how to integrate into humanity, into the collective, because that's where the story is unfolding. It's unfolding amongst the people, with the people. So for those who feel this otherness, who feel this detachment, who feel this odd separateness and shamanic otherness, I get it. I feel you. I understand. On a level I can't even put fully into words. I know how lonely it feels. And I know how it can... almost, almost again, I know it can feel as if you're existing in pieces, especially if you have more 3D tasks like a family, right? Whether or not it's a pet, something that you have to take care of, even your own body, washing your ass, brushing your teeth, feeding yourself, hydrating yourself, things that are 3D and mundane that sometimes we don't forsake right it's not like we don't know what's important but just get lost because we're in our head because we're traveling in our own minds we're channeling or whatever the fuck we're doing where it's like oh yeah I got a body like I should probably do something with this thing I want to learn to honor the temple and for which I've been given to traverse this lifetime, this timeline. I must take care of it. And also, I feel like it's really struggling. Or maybe it's integrating. Maybe it's adjusting to this new vibration I am experiencing. Trying to hold, and it's a lot. My container appears to be struggling with holding whatever these new codes or messages or all that cosmic shit. I don't know. I just know I feel old. I feel ancient. I feel like I've been here so many times. And the, not the message, the mission is the same. I feel like I've been here lifetimes and lifetimes and lifetimes and lifetimes and the mission has become heavier. Each time. And I feel like my soul is tired. I think my soul is like, you know, yeah, I think I'm going to check out after this one. I think this might be my last go around. If they don't figure this shit out this time, I don't even know what to tell them. I really feel like my soul is saying we got to figure it out this lifetime because I ain't fucking coming back. And if that means I got to break the contract, my soul said I would keep doing this until they get it right. My soul like, no, I'm good. I'm going to have to renege. I'm going to have to break that contract. It's like when you break a lease. That's not like I'm breaking that motherfucking lease. So we got to get it right this time. So if I have to drag you to hell back, you know, and around and around again by your goddamn eyebrows until you figure out who you need to be in order to align with your purpose and mission for real to get it together this lifetime, that's what the fuck I'm going to do because my soul refuses to come back. So I feel like I am on... Some crazy-ass, super-accelerated boot camp prep mode right now that I'm expected to do lifetimes. Not just mine. Generational-ass trauma I'm supposed to be breaking. And... What is it? Not curses. Contracts. I'm supposed to be breaking contracts that are no longer in alignment with where we are meant to ascend. And I'm supposed to figure all this shit out in like two, three years. What you mean? Like, what you mean? I gotta... Figure out generations, hundreds of years worth of shit in two, three years? Like, how am I supposed to cope with that? How is my body supposed to handle that? What? Yeah. That's where I'm at right now. So I don't know if anybody else understands or feels or gets that. I am on the edge of breaking the fuck down, losing my shit. I feel a bit manic. I feel like one step away from the abyss, okay? I'm laughing and crying. I'm by myself throwing my titties in a circle because that's how I get back into my body sometimes. I'm laughing, you know, joking with myself. I feel old, y'all. Ancient, even. Shamanic. wisdom flowing through me because it's not mine. I can't even grab it. I can't hold it. I can barely touch it. Only thing I can do is allow it, allow it to move through. So I can't claim it, right? Even this shamanic word I'm using, the title isn't mine. I feel like the vessel that I am currently holding, the vibration that I'm currently vibrating at is the vibration of the shaman. But I don't feel as if I am I'm the shaman. I happen to be vibrating at the level of the shaman. Does that make sense? Can you understand that distinction between the two? I'm not walking around here saying I'm a fucking shaman. I'm saying for whatever reason, I've been upgraded to the level of shaman. So I'm vibrating at that level. But my human level is like, there's a distinct disconnect or not even dissonance. Right? Because I'm living in both simultaneously and how many other fucking... Anyway, I feel like I'm just going to keep ranting and raving. So that's that transmission. For those who feel old, ancient even, vibrating on the level of the shaman, of the wise one, of the hermit, it's time for us to come off the mountaintop And whether we come off the mountaintop physically, we actually descend the mountain and walk into the village, right, in the valley. Whether or not we descend from the mountain by expressing ourself via these type of transmissions, writing songs, whatever, it's time for us to come off the mountaintop. It's time for us to... raise the collective vibration to the level of the shaman. We are all meant to be at this level. And why am I here at this point in time? Why others are not? Why was I one of the, I don't know, like, quote unquote, chosen? This shit sucks. It's like dude from the Matrix, like, man, I like the idea of a steak. It don't even matter if this shit ain't real. It tastes motherfucking real. I get it. I get why someone would choose the other fucking peel because being awake hurts. Being awake fucking hurts. I feel old, y'all. Ancient even.