Superwoman I am not: These Cape Strings, they choke

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I'm on the edge of something. This is a real raw transmission. In the middle of tears and all that shit Just got back home from a quote-unquote vacation One that I've taken almost yearly for the last decade We go to Wisconsin Dells And it cracks me up when people are like, what the hell is that? What do you mean? Everyone should know what Wisconsin Dells is So it's a place in the Midwest They have lots of water parks and amusement parks and things like that take my kids where they go yearly and I've gone with them most of the time except for when I had to work but that's a different conversation anyway go this year now my kids are older now my oldest is 17 my youngest twins are 14 and this was the most exhausting vacation I've ever been on in my life and that's saying something because I've had some pretty fucked up vacations but this was the most exhausting thing on so many levels, on a cellular level. And not because anything bad happened, not because none of that. It was because I recognized just how much, just how codependent I am and just how much I focus on everyone else's happiness. To the detriment of my own, I spent the entire vacation checking in with everybody. Are you okay? Are you okay? Are you good? Are you okay? You seem bored or you seem frustrated or whatever. Even if I wasn't verbalizing those things, that's what's in my mind. The entire time. The entire time. To the point where I even said to my kids, like, when y'all were younger, I didn't have to wonder as much if y'all were having a good time. It was evident, right? Kids giggle and they laugh and everything else. But you know how teens be. It just be deadpan. Just be real meh. You know? Unless it's something over the top. You can't really tell if they're enjoying themselves. And so I spent the entire time feeling shitty. Because I'm to myself, they're not having fun. Maybe we've done this too long. Maybe, you know, they've outgrown this place, right? They're teens now. And I could not relax for more than five minutes at a time because I was so hyper-focused on their comfort. And they was all like, we good, we straight. Like, you know, it's all good. And even if it wasn't, I struggle so much with just being okay with people I care about. Not being okay or just being meh. Like if people aren't expressing happiness or joy or glee, I feel like I'm failing. And the thing about it is I know this mentally. I know that I'm not responsible for other people's emotional state. I know this, but my body doesn't give a fuck about what I know. my body is on high alert 24 fucking 7 trying to ensure that everyone else was okay and it has never been more evident that this is an issue until this vacation and I probably got on I probably got on their damn nerves with the constant asking if they were okay and I've come we were there for 7 days and Got back yesterday. Today is Sunday. We got back Saturday. And I feel so depleted. And I'm so frustrated with myself. Because I know what the issue is. And here's the thing when we talk about healing and trauma and shit like that, and sometimes talk therapy doesn't get to the root because I know intellectually what the fuck is happening. I know exactly what is happening. I know where it's coming from. I know all of that. But my knowing doesn't mean shit because my body still feels like in order to be safe, in order to be valued, in order to be okay, I have to make sure Everything and everyone else around me is. Doesn't matter what the fuck I think. Doesn't matter what I know. That's how my body feels. We're talking about nervous system. My nervous system does not feel safe if the people around me do not seem okay. Despite the fact that I know that's not my responsibility. That's just what the fuck it is. And me working to rewire this, to figure this out, has been the most exhausting shit I've ever done in my life. And that's not hyperbole. It's not, that's real shit. This is difficult. And I think we understate the difficulty of rewiring our nervous system. Like we see shit online and like, oh, just do this, do the box breath, do this. And not saying those things don't work, but this shit takes time, right? And in a microwave society where we want every fucking thing to happen instantly. And even I said to myself today, like, I'm so over this. Why am I not fixed yet? Why am I still dealing with this? I feel like I should be done with this already. I have been doing the work for years. Why the fuck is this still an issue? And here's the thing. I've been, again, doing the work emotionally. I've been doing the work mentally. However, when it comes time to do this work physically, nervous systemally, I often disrupt the discomfort, right? Because what this will require is for me to be really uncomfortable, for me to sit in the feeling that people around me are not happy or they're bored or they're upset. and not do shit about it. Just be like, okay, it's not my responsibility to fix or change. I just need to be with the feeling of discomfort and guilt. I need to allow myself to feel this guilt because I am not putting on a cape to go fucking fix or save that I take the fucking cape off and I just sit with the discomfort of knowing that it is not my job and it is not my responsibility. What also comes with that, though, is that if my entire identity has been attached to this archetype of saving and fixing, then who the fuck is your linda when she takes the cape off i can i can be scared or i can be excited right because those two feelings share share similar energy right feared excitement share similar energy it is how we embody it that is different I can be excited about who Yolinda gets to be without the cape, right? That's abundant. Or I could think about who I no longer am if I take the cape off, and that's a deficit. I'm kind of wired to look at the deficit. That's my default. That's where I want to lean. but allowing myself to be excited about who Yolinda gets to be when she's not scanning, when she's not bracing, when she's not attempting to fix, when she's not self-sacrificing, when she just gets to breathe. Yeah. What does that get to be? And even as that is exciting, that's still scary as shit. I just got admitted to it because it's like, wow, I've been this way for 44 plus years. Fuck. And a part of me feel like it's too late to change. Like, fuck it, just ride this shit out. There's a part of me that says, you're too fucking old to do anything different. Just ride this shit out. You know, you got this far. Just ride it out. And I re-fucking-fuse. I refuse. And I know this is going to be difficult. I know this is going to be heavy. I know people are going to have a response to it because I've trained them because of my own programming. I've trained everyone around me to expect me to show up in this way. And now I'm going to do something different. And part of me is like, well, I have to manage people's expectations. I have to manage how they respond. And then I'm like, well, no, you don't. oh man this is like taking a new route when you go to work a certain route you're used to going that way you've been going that way to work for like 10 years and now for whatever reason you have to go a new route and when you're on autopilot you automatically go the old route and you're like fuck because now you didn't lost time you got to turn around because that road is blocked you can't go that way anymore and you waste fucking time and energy and you might be late you might lose money you might lose your fucking job Because you're still on autopilot. I can't afford to be on autopilot. And being on takes energy. The reason autopilot is a thing for humans is because it allows us to save energy by doing things we've always done. Like we don't really have to think about how to brush our teeth anymore. Once you've done it for so many times, it just becomes automatic. But when you do new things, that's when the effort, that's when you have to be conscious. You have to be online. And being online takes more juice, takes more energy. And part of me is like, I don't fucking want to do that. I'm exhausted. I don't want to put energy towards shithouse. And then that's when a part of me has to remind myself that I'm worth the fucking effort. I am worth the energy. And then a little part of me that is rooted in lack and you're not good enough and you're inadequate. It's like, well, maybe you're not worth the effort. Maybe that's why we haven't been doing it because we're just not fucking worth it. And then you think about like, If you think about all the different parts, the different voices that aren't necessarily trying to fuck with you, aren't trying to sabotage you, they're just operating from what they know, operating from what they've experienced, right? It's their version of truth. And attempting to get all of those parts on the same wavelength. You got to bring them to the table. You got to listen to them. You got to acknowledge them. I get it. You know, at one point in time, that viewpoint was valid. It saved us. It got us to where we are. And now we've evolved, right? All of the different parts, letting them know as an entity, we've evolved. I've evolved. And this next evolution, all this shit has been uncomfortable. I was about to say this next evolution is going to be real uncomfortable, but what hasn't been? You know, like, fuck it. I guess I'm built for it. It just makes me think of the work I'm doing with Therapeutic BDSM with Kipsa, the King Professional Standards Alliance, but more so just thinking about how we use somatic work, right? to really help us get into the body, how it helped us to rewire our systems because knowing shit and embodying it are two very different things. And that's how therapeutic BDSM came to be because I am very insightful. I'm very much mentally aware of the things, but it was not helping the rage. It was not helping the fear, was not helping me feel safe or home in my body. And so one day in a dungeon in San Francisco, I saw a possibility. I saw a possibility. I saw a catharsis happen. I saw people really letting go of shit that their mind couldn't help them release on its own. And I wanted some of that. And that was the birth of therapeutic BDSM because I wanted help and I wanted relief. I cannot wait until this is super up and running and we have all type of therapists and pros and educators and everyone working together because I'm going to be first in fucking line. For this method, like I want it for me. I truly do. And I could tell you all a story about how I was on the verge of starting this process. But see, you know what? Universe, spirit, source, God, whatever works in mysterious ways, because I was introduced to someone who said, hey, you know, I can walk you through this. I'm like, yes, I need to be. I need to be a test case for this as the one who's putting it together. And I told this person all of my business, all of my childhood trauma, everything else was via messaged her on Facebook and it was like, I got you, I got you. And then they basically ghosted me. And this was, this was not therapeutic BDSM because I wasn't working with a clinician. I wasn't working with a pro, but I together right in collaboration, I was working with a dom or I was planning to, I wanted to work with them to like get the experience of, you know, the somatic work of BDSM and they ghosted me. And you know what? That triggered a whole lot of shit. Disappointment, abandonment, whatever. But what it really told me was that wasn't the way to do it. Like that wasn't therapy to BDSM. So how the fuck, you know, like, what are you doing? I just wanted relief. And I was ready to bypass my own fucking, my own fucking framework to get it. So I'm grateful that didn't work out because I want the real thing and I'm looking forward to it. Yeah. I'm looking forward to it. We need some pros in Chicago because that's where I'm at. We have a clinician or two who's gone through the training. Now we need some pros because I want to get this work done. I want to be one of the first case studies of this. Because, yeah, I could use some support navigating this retirement of my martyrdom. I'm over it. And me doing gene keys and astrology and doing my own somatic work, all that stuff, it's gotten me very far. But now I need something else. And maybe therapeutic BDSM is it. I think it is. And with that, I think I'm done. To the edge of, to the edge of martyrdom being done with it, to the edge of self-sacrifice, to the edge of old wounds and patterns, to the edge of the Yolanda that was, so that the Yolanda that is can actually be. This is DocuRock. I'm out.