Cracking the Chrysalis

I am about to become more of myself.  My skin is cracking. My old self is shedding, and what’s underneath is confidence; embodied, unshakeable, but I’m not all the way in it yet.

I'm at the edge. Crowning at the birth canal. And it hurts 

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:00

Hey y'all, it's DocuRock, and I'm on the edge of something. I'm on the edge of cracking open my chrysalis. I'm on the precipice of stepping into my confidence. And it's so funny. I was thinking, I actually started writing it. I was thinking to myself yesterday, like, God damn it. I wonder if I have to fucking start rapping in order for people to hear me. Maybe I need to put some bars out there so people will be willing to listen to what the fuck I have to say. And I start writing this poem slash rap right so for people who don't know I am a poet I've been writing since single digits had the opportunity to write a book but that's a whole different conversation for another day and I used to write raps for my older brother it was a hot ass mess 11 years old talking about bitches and hoes but the point is I used to do it and I'm noticing that people seem to appreciate or listen to music or melodies or raps or whatever. At least that's what I was feeling, right? Based off my own algorithm. So who knows if this is true or not. But I started writing this rap yesterday. Like, maybe this is what I need to do. And then I stopped. I'm like, what the hell are you doing, Yolanda? Not that I don't appreciate poetry. Not that I don't want to continue to do poetry. And I actually might put it behind a beat or two, some melodies. I don't know. I think that's something I want to do. But this wasn't that. This felt like me, once again, feeling as if I had to contort myself in order to be visible, in order to be seen. And I stopped myself and I said, you know what? I was thinking about the fact that my confidence has been something where I've struggled and mainly because I've been conditioned to be humble, right? I had to be, this humility had to be showcased more so than any talent, any gift that I have. I have to just do that shit, right? I just have to do it, but I could not allow myself to be it, if that makes sense. Meaning that I am very good at doing the work, doing the things, building the things, whatever, doing the research, and then I just move on to the celebrate, or highlight the product. But I need to. That is the messaging I'm getting from my guys, from my higher source, is that I need to... platform, my product. And my biggest, most important product is myself. I've done so much fucking work just to be better, to really access the truth within myself, the good, the bad, the ugly, and most importantly, the brilliant. The brilliant is typically what I don't highlight. I'm really good at talking about my shadow work and the things I've been through. And I even talk about, hey, you know, We get to the other side. It's all good. We figure it out. We tough. And I'm feeling called to allow my... And people talk about masculine and feminine all the time. I think it kind of gets a little convoluted like most things. But... I feel like I've been hungry. I've been in masculine mode. I've been in do it, get it, strive for it mode that I am being called to balance that out because I've done the things and I could keep doing more things, but there's no end to it. I will burn myself to the ground because I'm in this constant loop of going and striving and doing and getting, and I never pause and appreciate, really. Not often. I do personally and quietly, but I don't highlight that part, especially on socials or wherever else. But I'm feeling called to do that more, to just bask in the brilliance and in the beauty of the work that's already been done and completed, and highlight that more and talk about that more. So I gave myself this challenge called Well, say that shit September, right? So I've done other challenges in the past. I've created Show Up September. I've done that in collaboration with my friend Myesha. And we've done that a couple of times. And before that, I had did it a few times where you'd show up by really showing up and being honest with yourself. But I've personally done that so many fucking times. I'm so honest with myself. And now it's time to say that shit. Like say what I've accomplished. Say what I've done. Say what I've built. and not to be cocky, not out of arrogancy, but out of accuracy because it is truth, right? I get to just be honest about what I fucking have accomplished, who I am because of the so much work that I've done already. I get to just be honest about it and talk about it and appreciate it. And so that's what I'm going to do. I really feel like I am on the edge of Of being comfortable with the truth. And when I think about the word confidence, it's so interesting to me because I think of it almost as a... like a costume. Like when I think of like, you're confident, like you're, you're putting on this cloak of confidence is, and I am learning that it is really a state of being right. And so when I think about like, I gotta like be confident makes it seem as if it's an action when you're, when it's a state of being, it just exists. And so I am going from being confident to being in a state of confidence and it sounds like I'm saying the same fucking thing but it means two different things to me one seems as if I am doing something right to be confident where what I feel I am on the precipice of I am on the edge of is a state of existence and With that, I also feel that there's parts, or you want to say there's residue... of the version of me that is very much not in that state of being, that is still very much in the state of having to do and perform and prove. But I'm on the edge. I'm on the edge of releasing that version of existence. And I also feel like I've been on the edge for a very fucking long time. This whole, like, if I hear the word liminal one more goddamn time, liminal space. You're in the liminal space. You're in the liminal space. Okay. All right. I've been here. I got the goddamn t-shirts, the postcards. I've got my souvenirs. Can we fucking go now? Like I'm over the liminal space, but I also have an appreciation for it because it's also the space where you are prepared. You are in preparation mode because once you come out of that liminal space, there's no going back to it. Right. And so it's opportunity for us to really prepare our essence, to prepare our vessel for what we are calling in next, right? And I'm on the edge of that. And excuse me if I sound congested because I am. I am congested. Excuse me. But we are on the edge. And I say we because I never feel as if this is a transmission just for the hell of it. It reaches somebody. And I know we are in similar energetics. We're in similar places. So this is for us. We're on the edge. So if you are still in that liminal space, which I assume you are because you're here, allow it to do what it needs to do. Because this next, this beyond the edge, this beyond the precipice, man, I'm beginning to feel it. Like when they talk about embodying something, I'm beginning to feel it. There's a sense of vibration in my limbs like in my arms in my back in my legs It's electric. And I also wonder the sickness that I have right now. Yeah, it could just be a cold or whatever the fuck, but I also feel like it's a purging. It's an opportunity to release and create space to cleanse the vessel for what is next. So on the edge of cracking open the chrysalis, I've been in the chrysalis. We've talked about the butterfly. I believe we've talked about the butterfly and the caterpillar. pillar and all that shit and being in the chrysalis and how you turn it to goo and that's not sexy it's not fun at all but it's necessary you have to dissolve like you really have to dissolve all of the different layers the different versions the different programs all of it and out of that you create something else lighter right and that's another thing I've been really really heavy mentally, physically, emotionally. And there was a relationship with my body that was extremely traumatic, you know, and I hesitate to use that word. I was about to say dysfunctional that too, but the heaviness has been a physical representation of the energy, the energetic heaviness that I've been carrying since a little girl, all of the stuff. Right. And in order to fly, There has to be a certain level of engineering, of dynamics that allows you to be able to hold yourself up in space. You can't be heavy. You can't be too heavy, right? Your wings either have to be extremely large. And now I'm getting into some other shit. But my point is, you got to release that weight, right? And it starts energetically. It starts... emotionally, mentally, because what happens is, and I've done this, I've released the weight physically, but I was still very much heavy mentally, emotionally, spiritually, energetically. So what the fuck happened? It came back physically. So now this last iteration, and I said last, huh? Okay. This last iteration of coming into harmony with my body has been extremely slow going. I've refused to do a lot of the old things I've done before as far as like fasting. And so, you know, potential trigger warning for those who have distorted eating habits. But I refuse to fast. I refuse to do keto. I refuse to do Atkins. I refuse to take pills. Although I've thought about it. I actually bought some and I took them and they fucked me up. So I took them twice and I was like, no, I've considered the medication. Like I've considered all of these things and not to say, you know, that at some point extra tools or resources won't be a part of my process, but for now they cannot. I actually got a prescription for one of those, I think it was Zetbound. And then my insurance was like, hell no, we ain't giving it to you. It's$1,300 a month. I was like, and no, that's not going to happen. But the point is this time, the relationship with my body had to start spiritually. It had to start emotionally. I had to really change my relationship with my body on an energetic level before I could really begin to facilitate that on a physical level. And I am still working through all of that. I've began to facilitate it somewhat physically as I am still navigating a lot of the baggage and the trauma from shit 40 years ago. Right. And it's been an interesting, um, Journey compared to how I've done it in the past, where it was a form of punishment and abuse, self-abuse before, where now I am really switching in to self-appreciation. I don't I don't use self-love because sometimes I get sometimes that gets so convoluted again, using words without really having the substance. So self-appreciation is what I will use. And this is really helping me move closer to that edge of cracking open the chrysalis and being on the precipice of embodying and being in the existence of confidence. So circling all the way back, this Say That Shit September is an honoring of self. It's a just saying the thing, right? No extra, no jazz hands, no sugar on it, no downplaying it, no minimizing it, no minimizing it. Minimizing what? No, minimizing it. Just saying the fucking truth and how people receive it is not my problem. Right. Because that was a part of the issue before. Oh, people don't think I'm cocky. People don't think I'm, you know, I'm doing too much. People don't. Who gives a fuck? Right. If my truth is. If the truth makes other people feel a way, then that is a them thing. And I get to be in the discomfort of I get to be in the discomfort of knowing that there is nothing for me to do about it. Right. And that is another thing I've been working on, just sitting in the discomfort of not trying to fix change or pacify or anything, just being in the discomfort that it is not my motherfucking job.

UNKNOWN: 15:38

Whew.

SPEAKER_00: 15:38

And that's been a process, even in my own household, learning to just let people be, right? That it is not my job to fix, change anything. That if people are in a funk, they get to be in a funk. And I get to be hit. I get to be in the discomfort of knowing it is not my job to fix or change it. And that I am not a bad person because I cannot. Oh my God, y'all, that has been such a difficult thing for me. To understand that it is not my responsibility and I am not a bad person if I can't change people's moods or make it better or, you know, save or fix. I just sit with the knowing that that's not mine. But I've been conditioned, going back to that, to fix change, to pacify, to do something for someone when they are not in a good space. Even if they don't ask, especially if they don't ask. I am practicing not doing that because what I've learned is that I've given so much of that energy to others that I've left very, very little for myself. And then that's where the resentment, that's when the resentment comes in. And that is no one else's responsibility or issue but mine, right? So full circle, right? What is my responsibility? What is it? And I have fought against being responsible or being in a position and being in a position of leadership because for me that sounded like additional responsibility and I already had such a I don't know what word to use such a complicated relationship with the idea of responsibility because I thought everything was my responsibility especially in my household especially as a kid right right? That I'm responsible for everyone's wellbeing. So the idea of being in leadership, the idea of doing that type of shit, like you want me to add extra responsibility and even success. Success felt like extra shit. It felt like responsibility because once you're successful, now you got to maintain that shit. And sometimes that's the hardest thing, right? People don't always seem to understand, like you can reach a certain height, but motherfucker, you got to maintain that. Just like when you lose weight, now you got to be in maintenance mode because people be up and down that motherfucking yo-yo and saying people get money or they reach a level of success and then they lose all that shit because they don't know how to maintain it and so for me that's what leadership felt like responsibility for me because you have to maintain that level of success because when you go up it's real easy as fuck to go back down and I personally fucking refuse to do that because for me if you are successful, you're also responsible for not just yourself, but for others. And I don't want to disappoint anybody. So if I'm in a position of success, I understood and I understand that that comes with a lot of responsibility and other people are counting on you. And in order to maintain that, you have to be in the right relationship with yourself. And I was not. But as I am on this journey, trajectory of leadership and responsibility, it has forced me to recognize what I am actually responsible for. Because I cannot be in a position where I am responsible for all of these things if I am also holding responsibility for things that are not mine. Something's going to have to fucking give. Right? And it's giving. And it's creating space for me to actually step into what is my role. And it's a big one. And if I allow myself to think about it enough, it scares the hell out of me because I'm aware of how much responsibility it holds. And I am still in the midst of changing that complicated relationship, of shifting it. So for those who are in positions of leadership, nothing has forced me to reckon with myself as much as being a parent and being an entrepreneur in a position of leadership. I've been a solo entrepreneur, that shit's easy compared to having a team and having a vision that encompasses others. Solo is just you, right? Hey, that shit for me is easy. I am so good at doing me by myself. But those two roles, parenthood and leadership, right? And they're very similar because you're responsible for something other than yourself. So, um, If you are in a position of leadership, if you're a parent and you ain't done your motherfucking work, I can guarantee that you are leading from your wound and you are causing harm. I've caused harm. When I have inadvertently parented from my wound, when I have inadvertently parented from or led from the wound, I've caused harm. And I had to be honest. Well, I didn't have to. Like, we ain't gotta do shit. But I chose to be honest about that. To shift, to pivot, and to repair. But that comes with a level of radical honesty that a lot of people aren't willing to do. But I invite it. I invite it. Because a lot of us are on the edge of. We are on the precipice of change. This next iteration of being, of existing. The whole world is on the precipice. And you're either going to fucking fly or you're not. I got my wings. What about you? This is DocuRock. I'm out. Peace.