The Edge Of...with Doc Yu Roc
🎧THE EDGE of...
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The Edge Of...with Doc Yu Roc
Soft as Suede...
Something like a stream of consciousness, a little like a poem.
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I'm on the edge of something. My little girl has been showing up more since I've gotten back from sex down south and had my first intentional scene. I will have to share that experience in a different podcast episode because this isn't about that. This is about me reckoning with what does it mean to be soft? Am I supposed to be soft? What does that look like? I thought about my parenting and how I can be compassionate. I can be kind. I can be empathetic. I can soothe. I can listen. And I can understand. But I'm not soft. And then I thought to myself, my gentleness is gritty. There's edges to it. There's a rough texture to it. And then I said to myself, I'm soft as suede. I'm not a brick. I'm not a wall. I'm not rocks or pebbles. I'm textured. I'm fabric that can hold you, that can secure you. that might initially feel soothing, but after a while it can be rough. It might not be something you want to be encased in all of the time. I'm as soft as suede. My gentleness is gritty. I got your back. I will do anything I can for those I care about. But it often comes with a gruff voice, with a side eye, with a plate of food cooked with love and irritation. Because my gentleness is gritty, I'm a soft suede. I love fiercely. I'm a warrior, wounded, persistent, relentless. I love from the death of my soul and from the marrow of my bones, but I don't always like to give hugs. That softness taps into a part of me that is sacred, that is scared, that has lived in shadow for four decades. Softness is a vulnerability that I never had an opportunity to experience. So thinking now as my little, as my younger self, as my inner child begins to peek its head from behind the wall from which it has hidden as a form of protection. But it's interesting because behind that wall they created that wall as a support for everything and everyone else on the other side of it. So at the one hand, it served to secure, but it also served to sever the connection to the one on the other side, which was my little self. I created a wall, a barrier, to create solid foundations for those who might need to rest upon it for the weary. While on the other side of it, I didn't rest. I propped it up with sheer will. And so now, my gentleness is gritty. I'm a soft as suave. But I feel something happening, something changing, the texture shifting. The suede has gotten worn. It's aged. It's become supple. What was once rough and a bit of friction when you rubbed against it has now gotten shiny and worn in places. What once seemed uncomfortable with long wear is almost like a second skin. So maybe being soft as suede isn't as gritty as it used to be. I'm on the edge of something.